Find Me Alastar

My eyes hold his for a moment as I try to reconcile what just happened and I shake my head in

confusion. “Whatever,” I snap. Holy shit, I just had sex with a married man. He probably has kids. My

stomach rolls at the thought. Oh my God, he didn’t wear a condom. Fuck.

He bends and chastely kisses me on the lips. “I’ll see you later.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “I doubt that.”

He stands still for a moment assessing my words. “What?” He snaps angrily.

I shake my head and roll over and turn my back to him. This is unfucking believable. “Close the door

on your way out,” I sneer.

I wake to my body lurching forward. Oh no. I’m going to be sick. I run through the apartment to the

bathroom and vomit violently.All text © NôvelD(r)a'ma.Org.

Hell.

Perspiration dampens my skin. I slide down the wall and sit on the floor between the bath and the

sink, my skin against the cold tiles. I’m hot and clammy and so, so sick.

Damn him.

What the hell kind of night was that? I put my face into my hands in disgust.

I stand, and with shaky hands I turn the tap on in the shower. I need to wash this dirty feeling from my

body. My eyes stare down at the sink and I see his watch sitting on the counter. I pick it up and stare at it,

allowing my mind to drift back to last night.

“Get in here, you gorgeous thing.” He’d smiled broadly as he’d undone his watch, sitting it on the

bench before he had pulled me underneath the water with him. We kissed, long and tender after our fifth or

sixth lovemaking session. There’d been no embarrassment of my body, no shame, only the feeling of

overwhelming affection and fun.

My heart hurts.

How stupid and jaded could I have been?

I bend to wash myself and wince in pain. I’m so sore and I know he would be, too. We had rough sex

for hours and hours until, in the end, he had nothing left to give. Our bodies gave up before our minds did,

and even after the overwhelming sexual need was over, we had still kissed in each other’s arms for hours.

For a while I had felt so safe.

What if his wife or girlfriend wants sex today? Would he have it with her?

My eyes fill with tears. I have never felt so used. After the most amazing night of my life, he went to

someone else’s bed. She called him while he was naked with me.

My eyes widen in horror and I dry retch again. Oh no, he didn’t wear a condom. I was so lost in the

moment that I totally forgot a condom and he didn’t bring it up.

What in the hell is wrong with me? I got caught at my work jacking him off. I played a tequila drinking

game and had awesome mind blowing sex with a married man.

Who have I turned into?

I slump down to the floor of the shower and cry shameful, dirty tears.

They say if you let your soul be still you will learn three new things about yourself every day. Frankly, the

things I have learnt about myself in the past five days are just damn disturbing. It’s been five days since

Mr. Alastar O’Shea left me in the early hours of the morning, and to be honest, I have never been so

rattled in all of my life. I haven’t heard a word from him and I don’t expect to, either.

Probably the most disturbing piece of information came to me today when I realized that, if given the

chance, I would do it again.

Tonight.

Any night. In fact, I would go as far as to say if he was driving down the street I would probably run

out in front of his car so he could knock me over. Then, and only then, would the bastard have to

acknowledge me and acknowledge this shitty feeling he has left in my gut. Longing and guilt all rolled into

disgust. I even went and had blood tests on Monday in my lunch break. If he didn’t wear a condom with

me he obviously doesn’t wear them with anyone else, either, and with sexual skills like that, I am

imagining he gets a lot of practice in. My eyes close in pain as I remember the drinking game. How many

women has he played that with? I bet it has 100% success rate because I fell for it, hook line and sinker.

I’m disgusted with myself.

No man has ever affected me like Alastar. His beautiful eyes and that body were built for sin. I keep

seeing his face and the way that he looked at me when we were making love. I can feel the way he

touched me and I’m aching for him to touch me again. I drop my head into my hands, aware that I’m

turning into someone I don’t like. I look up from my desk toward reception and Stephanie narrows her

beady little eyes at me.

Stephanie, also known as the blonde bust-a-move chick from reception. I picked Travis’ mind for the

gossip, and coincidentally enough, she is the chick who has slept with Mark in the past. Now that I know

this I can easily see by the way her eyes follow him around the office that she still has a thing for him.

Unfortunately, for her, and me, his eyes are following my ass around the office.

This whole situation is one big fuck up. I know I have to tell mark that I just want to be friends, but to

be honest, I feel too weak at the moment to even go there. There is absolutely no fight left in this soul of

mine.