Love You Can’t Say

She sighed again, “Lord Freddy believed that a kind-hearted and positive girl like you could shape him with goodness if you two spent enough time together. But now both of you make such a mess! Whatever. Your life with him still goes on.”

I could tell Nanny Daisy said so out of her good concern with us. I patted on her hands to say, “Daisy, shaping another person is a horrible thing. I will never try to change his personality. Nor can I. Perhaps it has been destined. But from now on I will learn to control myself and avoid quarreling with him. Don’t worry about that.”

Tears seemed to well up a bit in her eyes. She slightly shook her head, “Both of you are still young. Just remember cherish the days you have spent together. While you are aging, I don’t want you to regret failing the one whom you should stay with or abandoning the love half way you should continue when you look back at an old age. Of course, our lives partly consist of regret. But don’t let it grow more enough to overwhelm yourself.”

I nodded, but having no idea how to reply. Actually, there was no terrible gap between Dennis and me. Perhaps it was the trifles that annoyed both of us. But when I found no way to vent out nor to make it clear while they were piling up, I would get myself deeply trapped.

“Daisy, thank you!” she had a clear understanding about my marriage with Dennis, holding hopes that we could continue with happiness. She did all these out of her kind heart.

She sighed as she seemed to notice that I found it hard to fully take in her advice, “What a stubborn girl!”

I smiled and nodded, “You’re right about that.”

She paused and added, sounding a bit upset, “But I can tell you mean everything to him. And you are the same to this point. You do care about him as well. But why don’t both of you let go of dissension?”

“Daisy, are you still cooking something in the kitchen?” I suddenly interrupted.

She stopped and sniffed. She paused for a second and stood up to exclaim, “Oh! It’s the soup for Mr. George!”

While saying, she hurried downstairs.

I stayed on the sofa still, blankly staring at the soup. As I was born and raised in a humble environment, barely could I feel much love.

I hadn’t even experienced the feelings of family affection for a few more years. Let alone love, which I was clumsy about. And never had I learnt how to love others.

My grandma adopted me and tended me with care and warmth, which I defined as love.

Leo was rude, stubborn and relentless in front of me, whom I defined as paranoid.

Diana stayed to protect me by my side, which I defined as friendship.

However, Dennis had barely showed much care for me during the past two years, which was so scanty that I found it hard to be defined as love.

And I didn’t want to fool myself by convincing myself that it was love.

I loved him so I could put up with his intimacy with Olivia while his coldness to me. But it didn’t mean that I would fool myself to make his simple care as his love for me.

As the night fell, I felt so tired. Lying on the bed for long, I still failed to fall asleep as I had been used to sleeping with Diana by my side.

Now I lay on the huge bed, alone, feeling horribly empty. The storm outside blew loud. In summer, the rain always raided unexpectedly.

Pouring rain came after wind blew.

I still stayed sober. So I stared at the clock on the wall. Now it was 1:00 AM. I was so distraught that I decided to get up and stood on the balcony with pajamas only. Because I got myself wet all over in rain last time, Dennis had the balcony rebuilt. Now the rain was shielded away outside the balcony. I could only feel the chill wind blew. Distraught still, I was getting annoyed. So I walked downstairs and got to the yard, where there kept some plants and flowers of Nanny Daisy. They got bent down or fell aside as heavy rain attacked, from which I found myself connected.

I felt like being part of those, struggling in harsh environment. I couldn’t help walking closer regardless of the rain.

As it was a set of thin pajamas for summer, I soon got drenched all over. The rain didn’t feel cold. What was more, I felt cool under the rain. Driven by long-lasting depression, I squatted down in the yard and cried alone.

Everyone needed time to vent out. Thanks to the rain, I found my time.

When Nanny Daisy noticed me, I was in the midst of sad cry. Flustered, she opened an umbrella, hurried over to pull me back. But as she was too old to use much strength, she failed because I was reluctant.

Seeing that, she dropped the umbrella and ran back to the parlor. When she walked into the yard again, she came with raincoat. She put it on me and comforted, “Clara, stop making yourself suffer. Please, if you show no care about your own, think about the baby. What if you miscarry?”

Controlled by great sadness, I didn’t even catch what she said. I squatted still and cried, venting out all my grievance and depression.

Though the rain in summer didn’t chill much, as a pregnant lady, I started to feel sick and dizzy after staying in the rain for an hour.

Suddenly, Nanny Daisy said surprisedly, “Mr. George, you are finally back!”

I turned around and saw Dennis, wearing a black suit, walking to me with his sulky and merely cold eyes.

He held my up into the villa.

His face was covered with sullenness. My eyes felt bad because of an hour of cry. And I didn’t wanna look at him. So I literally closed my eyes.

Nanny Daisy dismissed herself as Dennis returned.

He closed the door as we entered the bedroom. Then he stripped me off and held me up into the bathroom.

He remained unspoken and so did I. The air seemed to be frozen with silence.

As time went by, my frozen body started to feel warm. And my sore eyes felt better.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw him staring at me with gloomy face. His eyes looked cold and unpredictable. Not until quite a while did he utter, “You have fun making yourself sick?”

I frowned, feeling awkward while lying in the bathtub nakedly under his gaze. I stood up and was about to leave the bathroom.Nôvel/Dr(a)ma.Org - Content owner.

But he hurried to pin me down into the bathtub again.

“Not yet.”

I frowned with a sulky face, “I wanna sleep.”

“You wanna sleep in the rain?” he fixed me tight in the tub, looking displeased, “Why did you get into the rain?”

I grabbed a bath towel to put it on my upper body. I replied perfunctorily, “I was in bad mood.”

“Bad mood?” he sneered, “If everyone in the world made themselves suffer when in a bad mood, the human beings should have gone extinct! Clara, are you making yourself suffer or actually making me suffer?”